tran·scend

tran·scend

tran(t)ˈsend/

verb

past tense: transcended; past participle: transcended

1. be or go beyond the range or limits of (something abstract, typically a conceptual field or division).

As time tick tocks, and the dusk of my time to pick and choose a career slowly appears on the horizon, 'well wishers (who knows if they are really well wishers..) come, ringing bells of alarm; 'make her give the UPSC, make her give the MPSC' they say, in concerned voices.. And then my mother, BemWeary, replies with a sigh, and then attaches a verb to me, that seems to explain it all- Oh I don't know, she is really transcended.. After having heard it for half a decade or so, it is one of those verbs I would use to describe myself if anybody asked me to do so.. 

It's hard to really understand how I got to this state of transcendence.. Was it after years and years of living in denial; does it stem from my immune system trying to quell the simmering panic deep down; was it a result of weariness from all of the well wishers knowing what was the right thing for me to do, and my own self not realising it? Or maybe perhaps a combination of all of the above.

At some point in life, after giving too many f***s , one just doesn't have enough f*** left.. 

Now that I have dwelled in this bubble of denial and not giving a f*** long enough, I have come to realise what a self sufficient and calming bubble it is- the walls drown out the judgemental undertones that linger outside, and my mind is happy enough to not spend hours and hours self doubting and wondering about all the things gone wrong. I have been able to be a better friend now because I no longer waddle in a puddle of self pity; I have risen above the mundane and can focus on the bigger picture.. which is why I don't understand why 'transcended' is muttered accompanied by a sigh, shouldn't these well wishers be happy for me that I have gone way past the useless need to have ambitions and all that.. That I have realised I would simply like to be Happy and Carefree because most of my life has been spent panicking and worrying.. Thinking about these things makes me then go miles back to where I started, with the fretting that maybe I am the wrong one, and they are all right..

Ah life, a vortex of overthinking and self doubting and wondering.