In dodo's head

(Picture from the Internet) Ange. She was the very first best friend I had. Pretty much the same age as me, though of course she was still a kid at heart and would also want to roll around and play hide and seek. Most people would not understand the ties that bound me to her; of course, there are few who can comprehend how an almost rougish  German Shepherd and a four year old can get along like two peas in a pod.  My memories of growing up all include her in it; I can still recollect vividly how every Diwali, she would be as terrified of the crackers as I was, and would leap inside the window, smashing the glass much to the chagrin of my mother. As she grew in size, she could no longer be trusted to remain indoors for she threatened my mother's precious flower arrangements and vases. She therefore would resort to patrolling the territories of the house, ensuring that no stranger or cat would ever trespass the vicinity of the place.  Contrary to her name, ...

Faithless and without any hope, You amble along life's path. You have lost faith in it all you say, How I wish I could show you, There is still beauty in it all. In the ashes that remain, After all has been burned to the ground. Like a phoenix you may rise, From when life chokes you down. Too often we trick ourselves, We see romance in tragedy. And court it, nurturing it. We refuse to let go of all that's bad. We turn our backs to the good. Rise up from the cobwebs and the drudgery, Peep from the dark side, See how brightly lit the world is. Life is unfair, Life is tiring, Life deceives us from time to time, Leaves us with the illusion of being all alone. But look beside you, around you. We are all walking the same way. Reach out, reach in, I promise you, solace you will find. Don't let life break you down, Instead face it as a challenge, Happiness abound I promise. There will be bad times too, But life's beauty is brought out, From br...

We live in a world where we constantly battle with those who stand in our way.We push, we shove, we coax obstacles to get to our destinations.Through it all, what bothers me most is when those  we call our own seek something in us, Something we do not have. We are human, of course it's in our nature to want the best from our own. But when that becomes a pressure, it does not bode so well. 'Lose weight'. Something I hear all the time. And it is an issue I feel so defensive about. I understand, in most cases, it is said with the best of intentions. But in most, it is said by these 'know-it-all's in such patronizing tones. Something like weight is such a personal issue. I am an insecure person, just learning to accept myself the way I am. When people chose to make their business to remark on my weight and such, it makes me doubt myself, to scrutinize myself. It is such an irony- you want me to be a confident woman unafraid of the world, and yet you tear me apart ...

Extreme hibernation period on at the moment, only punctuated by trips to get some groceries. Last weekend  fortunately, a friend of mine finally convinced me to get out of this comatose state and explore London with her.  After much discussion and research (on her part), we decided to visit Holland Park in the posh neighbourhood of Kensington.  London always brings in my mind atleast a picture of chaos and buildings almost squished together, of people always in a hurry to get somewhere, caffeinated drinks in hand.  Holland Park, it turns out, was almost an oasis in this desert of chaos. Lush greens everywhere, people all sprawled in its green lawns. Some walking down the pathways that criss-crossed across the park. Truly a treat. Here are some pictures I took:

Last weekend, I, with two of my close friends attended the Oxford Forum on International Development, a conference for students to sit and listen, and even interact with renowned people in the development field.  The trip started off in its usual characteristic chaotic way. We reached Oxford with fifteen minutes to spare (blame the London traffic!!). People around the bus stop did not know where the Said Business School was, we ended up using Sri's 'reliable' I-phone map which told us that our destination was 40 minutes of walking away. We were a little taken back having been told the bus stop was around the school.  Nevertheless not having much of an option we began our walk across the town of Oxford. After what it seemed like miles of walking, we asked another passer by for directions, only to be told that we were in fact going the opposite way. Circles around Oxford ensued, and we found ourselves finally in front of the School a whole hour late. The Confere...

My father says a lot of wise things.. Sometimes I wish there was a tape recorder in my head so that I could record all that he says and play it back time and again when I am in need of comfort.  Today he talked to me about his childhood days, the barriers he overcame and the importance of hard work. And a line he said stuck in my head- W e come in  different shades of grey..we pick our own colours as we grow older..  It is so true.. All of us do not start off in the race track from the same starting point.. Some of us are born with advantages over others.. And yet, what we make of this race of life depends all on us. We could choose to build up our endurance and stamina, and sprint all the way to the finish line and make something out of our lives.. Or we could dilly-dally and stroll, wasting away all the opportunities that God has handed to us..

The amount of hatred and bitterness that exists in this world never fails to shock me. Just this week, there circulated a video of Indian BSF Forces inhumanely treating a Bangladeshi villager.. Abuses were hurled, he was stripped down, and beaten. What struck me the most were how these men were laughing and relishing the torture of this poor man who just lay on the ground begging for mercy. It was heartbreaking and infuriating to say the least. let there be peace on earth (imphal, april 2011) And what also shocked me was the response that this video got on Youtube. Yes, the forces were Indian. Yes, the victim was from Bangladesh. But does that really mean that every Indian condones this act of sadistic violence and thinks less of all their neighbours. Does it mean every Hindu is out there looking to insult or kill Muslims or vice versa. As an Indian, I am ashamed of the violence perpetuated upon others by my countrymen. And yet I am also defensive of the criticisms that is...

It is the beginning of the year and therefore time to bring out the diary.. scribble out what you would like or not like in this new year.. think about the year gone by and what you would like to change or keep for this year.. I will write mine right here.. I once read somewhere about the reply John Lennon gave as a kid when he was asked the question 'What do you want to be when you grow up'.. He just said 'happy'.. Not 'engineer'. Not 'doctor'. Not 'Prime Minister'. I think that is all there is to life- to be happy.. We often lose track of this very notion of just being happy and get so caught up in a maze of ambitions that we forget to take a breath and remember why we are there in the first place. There are so many people out there, trying to pull people down, trying to tell them they are useless. They go on Youtube and twitter and all sorts of social media to bring down celebrities, or even hurl abuses at passer-bys on the road... Seein...

As the year almost draws to an end, As we ready ourselves to welcome the new one, Manchester, June 2011 With open arms and heightened hopes, I look back at my past year, And see glimpses of jubilation and sorrow. There were days when I was on top of the world, When I felt loved and cared for, And yet there were moments, When I felt like I was screaming and no one was listening. And along this year's road, I learned many lessons, This world is a cruel place to the confused, The early bird gets a place in LSE, And clouds come in all shapes and sizes. No matter how hard you try, You will always end up feeling like a prize trophy or scar, Who they flaunt and hide in in their kitty parties. People sometimes say what they don't mean, And if you take it all to your heart, Pretty soon, it will feel like a punctured, bullet riddled organ. Take nothing to heart, Screen them all out, And a happy world it is. Imphal, August 2011 Drown out the cynics, ...

I am just like you, I have dreams too. In those dreams I succeed, In those dreams I survive. I hold them close, These dreams of mine. I just want to be me. Just want to exist carefree, Be where people can pursue all that they want. Where they are not held back by cautious hands. How can I let myself fly, When I am being held back. Let me go once a while, Let me dream a little bit. Let me fool myself into thinking I am good enough. This world will crash those dreams, Like waves crashing against a wall of rocks, But let me still ride the waves for a while, Feel the exultation of flight. Have you not had crazy dreams too, About what you could be in a forgiving world. Why then do you go crushing my dreams, And driving me into a cocoon.

So this weekend, I stumbled upon this program on TLC called Fabulous cakes. Now if there's one thing in this world that gets me going and motivates me to live each day is the thought that there's cake (a bit of an exaggeration but that's what artistic freedom is about, right?).. So anyway, this show is about famous bakeries around the US and each episode focuses on a handful of bakeries in one city and how they design massive show-stopping cakes for events.. A cake from one of the episodes-The cake was made for earth day. It's unbelievable how much hard work goes into it, it's art, it's architecture, it's engineering, it's so scientific.. And the passion with which these designers handle each project.. The look on their faces when they get a design right.. I would be the happiest person in the world if I could do a job that could give me that much of satisfaction.. I know I talk about this a lot, about the future, about what I want to do in li...

As I delve further and further in Development Studies and actually get the opportunity to hear wise souls like Ha Joon Chang speak about the issues that the world faces today, the more I realize just how complicated we have made our world.. We have tangled up our feet among all the strings and ropes we have created to support a system which increasingly churns out new problems and challenges. Ponderings while writing my essay. This picture was taken in Chester in April 2011 The result is that students who attempt to dip a toe or two to get a hang of what these issues are all about are sucked into a whirlpool of complications from which there is no escape.. The smart ones do understand that the best way to score good marks is to begin and end every thesis is: 'The *insert thesis topic here* is faulty and has many drawbacks. There are not many mechanisms to address this challenge. *Insert dysfunctional options here* are also unable to address this issue. Therefore a solu...

So, yesterday while I was waiting by a set of traffic lights on my way home, two suspicious looking men stopped by and asked, 'Excuse me. Do you think God exists?'. On closer observation of these two revealed that they were holding on to a bunch of pamphlets.. one of those drives I guess to get more people to church. I of course mumbled something about being in a hurry and rushed off as soon as the pedestrian lights turned green. While I might have been able to dodge them and get home safe, their question did not leave me in peace. All day I asked myself- did I really believe God exists? Well, I think, we are all scared sometimes, or atleast I am, and I sort of think of God as this all knowing, omnipresent being who can save me from all things bad. I guess I am a little hypocrite sometimes in the sense that I forget to pray most days and only do so when I am scared or nervous. I pray each time the plane I am sitting in is about to take off or land, I pray everytime I have a ...

The last post was rather written while I was in a fury.. One of those days when you are not feeling not so good about yourself, and you have your loved ones telling you to change this and change that. Now that I have cooled down, I feel I might have been a little harsh.  Of course our loved ones would want us to be the best versions of ourselves. We disagree on so many things, and yet we find many more which brings us together as one.  The one I probably have the most fights with is my mother. Most days I feel like we are not even in one book, forget the same page. We disagree on almost everything and fight like little children. But at the end of the day, all I want to do is hug her and protect her from all that she goes through in life.  True I am wrong most of the times, I probably should make a little more effort to look less shabby. I am a grown up now and should act more my age. I should speak correctly so that I am better understood. I agree to all that. It'...

A lot is going on in my head right now, and the last thing I would want happening to me is to be told I don't speak with the right accent. That is just like a trigger that sets off the bullet of pent up anger. Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't the way we speak, our accent defined by the place and people we grew up with as a child. It's part of the habits and characteristics that make us who we are, and this is what I truly believe. How then do people expect me to suddenly switch on the 'Turn english accent on button' and begin to speak like an Englishman. What I find truly offensive is being told I do not speak like I should, and should 'try' speak with a more English accent since I have been here for four years. The only retort that comes to my mind then is 'Leave me alone!'. Do I not get that much freedom in my life that I can speak the way I want to? Do I lack in my already high levels of shyness that you must point more things to make me fe...

As we walk on in this path of life, we meet an assorted bunch of people.. Some, so focused in life. They can almost draw you a map of their lives.. They have everything so well figured out. And then you meet some who almost have a question mark drawn on their faces. Who are questioning themselves about their worth and purpose in life.. I always had a desire to belong to the first group. I always wanted it all planned out, the milestones of my journey marked.. I make pit stops and then I complete certain laps within a certain period of life. It sounded like such an organised way of life, like how life is meant to be.. But then as days go by, I realize no matter how hard I try to fit in with the first group, I am always to my very soul, going to be category two. I will always be the kind who goes to the cake shop wanting a truffle cake, but on reaching the place, decide I either want black forest or pineapple or sometimes none. I always thought of this to be a bad thing.. I...

Jumping from Environmental Management into Development Studies would be a long jump for me, I knew.. But how big of a jump is what I gravely underestimated or overestimated depending on which perspective I see it from.. Let me explain. Three years of Environmental Studies taught me a thing or two about how interrelated environment and development was.. The environmental side of the matter, I managed to probe for three whole years, grappling with big shot words such as ecological modernization and sustainable development. These years were more about learning from practical experience and knowledge, about field trips and actual first hand experiences. Now that I am on the other side, the journey of which has only begun these last few weeks, it's rather a long journey of flipping through pages of pages of development books. Of theories and how each of these development theories basically fail to sum up life or the question of growth. Maybe it is the modules I have chosen, but wh...

There is always a slight apprehension in moving into a new city. Much more if it is a gigantic city called London. I thought having spent three years in Manchester, settling in would be a 'cuppatea'. On a superficial level, London and Manchester seem so alike- the same take away shops round every neighbourhood, the double decker buses, the black cabs, similar looking buildings. But adjusting into a new place and adapting to its character is more of an internal challenge. London is too huge to be taken on a single platter. There is the need to get used to the oceans of people that flood the roads and carry you along in the tide, there is the complicated public transport system.. Moreover London as I mentioned before is just huge.. I am yet to explore the many corners.. the famous places such as Notting Hill, Soho, Brick Lane, Southall.. I am yet to immerse myself in its fabric, to bond with the population who has made this city their home for a year or two like me.. Yet to tr...