In dodo's head

September 2010, Raichak I write what I think I have to, When words become almost burdensome in my head. It has to be emptied, but where else to empty but into an endless pit of tangible words. Words that can be touched by you, and understood. Do you not hear a message loud and clear? Maybe this is not the kind you are looking for.. Makes me wonder- What are you looking for? I know I have found a safe haven, with friends to cherish and love, with a family so embracing. Often I see microscopic cracks. But shut my eyes to them and I am safe again. Like I am standing on the cliff, loved ones around me. I see you look up. I see you. I reach out for you. Hold my hand, and I will pull you up. Share with you my loved ones, wonderful they are, aren't they.  What are you afraid of? Why are you here? In need of a comforting word or two? Here's what I have to say.. If in life, you are in need of a friend, look here, look my way. We may be strangers by some standard, and this...

It makes no sense, this feeling. Of melancholy and joy, of tragedy and celebration. There is this mystical bind, Which defies all logic. I wonder why me, why me of all. Leaves me heading down this spiral path, Are you at the other end? Oh how my mind spins round and round, In this triumphant and yet doomed journey they call life.

Manchester 2009 There have been complaints lately, (informal ones of course) about the pessimism which is gradually seeping into my blog. Reading back, I realise it is to an extent justified. So here it comes, a positive blog dedicated to Ratatat(you know who you are).. Often life gives us reasons to frown. Often we feel used and underestimated. Often we whine and mourn. Often we forget what we have, Often we feel we deserve more. Often we want to cry for what we have lost. Often what needs to be done, Is for us to open our eyes, From the dust and mess of our insides. All we need to do, Is open our eyes and look outside. Look at the squirrels in parks, Carefree and living from one meal to the other. Look at the sky, Forever changing colours, And yet never giving up. The sky knows too, There will be the greys and the clouds, There will be darkness and despair. And yet after every storm and hurricane, There will be clear and blue skies, There will be laughter...

If you asked me what I was afraid of, I would say 'Many things' and I would not be lying. There are really many things that I am afraid of.. Butterflies, ghosts, darkness, loneliness, losing my loved ones... many things.. But there is this one thing that I have been terrified of ever since I was a little kid. It might have something to do with the way my mother pushed me to the limits to excel in studies and top the class, which never happened. I remember waking up at 4 am in the morning as a little seven year old and being grilled on the capitals of countries around the world. A slap greeted me every time I got it wrong, a splash of water everytime I dozed off to sleep. Thinking back I realise how harsh it was, but as fellow Indian kids would understand, slaps and scoldings are the way of life for the children.. Anyway, the day report cards would be distributed would always be one of the most dreaded days of my life, second only to dentist visits and vaccination days. No...

I woke up today bitten by the gratitude bug, suddenly realising the value of all those friends who stood by me through thick and thin.. Such moments are rare and spaced out.. and yet when I opened my eyes and looked at my window, I thought of them, the select few who made life so worthwhile and fulfilling. The kind, who seem so cynical and never say the best things, and yet even in their sarcasm you can feel their love.. The kind always so jovial and cracking jokes, and yet when you seem a little low become sober and nurture you.. The kind with whom friendship is rekindles after long pauses and yet who understand you to your very core.. The kind so serious in everything, so determined, yet in life's race who pause and help you get up when you feel down.. I have been truly blessed. With friends of assorted sizes and kind.. :) And all I can say to them is, Through you I have found one of the many reasons to fight, Fight against the self doubts and pessimism, Find my way t...

Churachandpur June 2010 Idleness is a dangerous state of mind. A two edged sword. At one end, there is the jubilation, The feeling of ultimate freedom, Care-free, At another, there is the emptiness. That of days without purpose, Making you plummet into loneliness. A fine balance, Of happiness and unhappiness. Such is idleness.

What is it about us, That brings into our souls, Spells of melancholy. Storms of anxiety of the unknown, Blasts of self-doubt, Ravaging our very pillars of self confidence and spirit. Waves of Apprehensions, Crashing against the happy islands of loved ones, Will they be here forever, or will they be taken away by the tides. Questions arise, Answers elude us, Amidst this great tragedy they call life.

Ever had a friend you connected with at first sight and with whom the connection stayed for ten decades. A friend you first met when you were a shy ten year old, away from home for the first time, in a boarding school. Her being a confident and bubbly girl who just about cleaned her locker every day. She was a hard-worker spending most of her days burrowed in her course books, I a 'happy-go-lucky' soul burrowed in books too, not course books but novels. Ours was an odd friendship, for there were phases where we barely spoke to each other, mostly during the examination season when 'Garimoo' (for that's her name) would go into hibernation. Only reappearing once a while for some nutrition. I guess what made us become so close was us being stark opposites. She brought in some element of motivation for me to study, for stress on her part was quite contagious and we all know, stress is the juice we need to make us study. I on my part, I guess, brought in the ...

Time is fleeting, Blink once and you are in 2000, Giggling with school friends over the simplest of things, Sitting under the 'haunted tree' after dinner talking about, Plans and Food, Classmates and Teachers, Blink twice, and it is 2008, Parting ways with people you have grown up with, Never knowing when you will see them again, Tearful goodbyes and nervous laughs. Blink thrice, and you are in 2009, New friends have come your way, In a new place, a new city. You sit with them, and laugh away till morning, Share inbox messages bursting with gossip. Blink again, and this chapter too will end. What the new one will bring, You know not yet. And you hesitate to blink. Lest the new ones be not as warm and comforting as the old ones. But what else can you do but blink.

 Countless walks we take, Countless stories we share, Countless memories were created, and hastily stored in an endless memory drive they call the 'mind', Images gobbled up hungrily, characteristics stored accompanying the name in the mind database, And yet as days go by, the mind deceptively wipes out the faces, It deletes the memories slowly and gradually, Leaving behind only the name, And the memory of whether or not you were fond of the person, Is that not what we have most of the times, Some names, some blurred out faces, faint memories of how the person laughed, how the other person talked, their way of walking, their passions, And we can only hope- somehow, somewhere, sometime we will meet some of them again.. and be able to retake the picture the mind's database needs, and re-enter all the characteristics. We cannot help but hope. Note: All pictures used in this post taken in Snowdonia (April 2010)

,  Fireworks.. In life, I have found not one, but two passions, What my heart cries out needs to be put down in words, There is a need to simplify all that I see and feel, Into tangible words. All that I see needs to be kept frozen, Lest I start believing when people complain about how unfair life is. Look out, Look up, Can you not see, The colours that enrich life. The beautiful creatures put on earth And the complex interactions between them.

Thank you God for the lovely live painting right outside my window, which changes its hues and elements from time to time, giving me rejoice in my revision. Thank you God for warm friends and family who brighten dreary days of revision.. Thank you God for giving us 24 hours a day, ensuring for the hours that I waste, there are still some left to make up for lost time in. Thank you God for all this. And if you would do me one more favour, not test me too much tomorrow and on the 20th and 27th. :)

If you want to conquer fear, don't sit at home and think about it. Go out and get busy.- Dale Carnegie A friend to all is a friend to none.-Aristotle Come forth into the light of things, let nature be your teacher. William Wordsworth Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new at all. Abraham Lincoln  Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. Karen Horney  I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. E. B. White

Beautiful sunsets...  Winding roads made better by unintended photoframes made of dust.. Of beliefs and boredom in grandmother's house.. :p Of messy desks during revision sessions. :)

Note: This is something I had written for a website of a course I attended called 'Agenda for Survival' organised by CSE. A must-attend for those who want to delve into environmental issues of India by the way.. A JUNE WELL SPENT You know when there is a deadline on your head and you have 500 or so words to type frantically, nothing on earth is inspiring enough to write about. Write about what you were before you started this course and what you are now at the end of it all, we were told. But when it comes down to it, it is hard to summarize 30 days of education, realization and all that in just 500 words, or even 5000. Where do I even begin? Should I start with how glad I was to find people who believed in the same things I did or should I start by telling you how much more India’s environmental problems made sense to me now? Or should I go on about how I still feel as lost about the solutions to this.   Begin at the beginning, they say. And so that is what I am going to d...

Wow. 2011 is finally here, 2011 with all its promises and prospects. A tearful farewell to 2010 though, I already can feel it fading away, wiped out from all surfaces and only remaining in a corner of my head and heart. What a year that was, filled with love and warmth. Of making it yet another year with family and friends... 2011 is here now, looking forward to so many things. :)